This will be my last entry -live journal isn't for me anymore. I just wanted to wrap up this long strange oddessy. Today is the day before things get better for me, the rain will stop.
This is not a suicide note by any means. Tommorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to accept the fact that this is my life. I'm can't change it and that's the way it is. I'm going to embrace loneliness knowing that it makes me who I am. I'm going to wake up tommorrow ready to take my fall. Things will be better tommorrow.

Date:	2006-02-24 13:38
Subject:	Maddy shoulden't quit lj and abandon me...
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	Something dramatic

Things are good. Not even having a bad day for once. It's such a pain in the ass to be in love but once it's gone you kind of miss the feeling. I don't even have anyone I kind of like right now. No, wait. Not true, sorry. Actually not true at all...
I talked long distance to Uncle Charles yesterday for the first time in... two years I guess. Pretty sweet. It's funny how he tries to relate to me. He dosen't know me very well so he's like "Hey, any new video games you're into?" I think there's a good chance of meeting aunt Margret. Dad's impression of her very funny. That's rare for dad. Interesting times ahead.
Art's pretty sweet. I think Nina's my new favorite teacher. I haven't really had a favorite since Andrea left. Everyone's like "No, Curtis is the best." He's kind of funny but he's not that great. Conway's too buisness to be my favorite. Leah's nice, but I don't really feel too much of a connection.
Too many bad memories. I need to replace them with some good ones. I am replacing them. It's not that I don't care anymore, I just didn't count on being happy. I'll make new memories, but I can't forget.
I told someone a while back that I would always be there. It really hurts knowing that I'm going to have to break that promise. I can't keep it in the way I meant at the time. It's strange how things work out. When I made that promise, things were so different. God it was cold that night, but it didn't even matter. I had someone who was my world right there beside me. I think that was the best moment of my entire life. It may sound like I'm eggagerating but I've never been more honest. I wish that couple of days at the coast could have lasted forever. I wish the world could have just stopped moving to give me even a few more hours. That was a good summer.

Date:	2006-02-23 08:02
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

Everyone's in a bad mood constantly now. It's annoying...
I feel so empty. So tired of trying to find meaning and perpouse in life -obviously I'm in a wonderful mood today too. Have to go to class in like 5 minutes. Still sexy. I don't even care...

Date:	2006-02-14 13:47
Subject:	We fall so we can learn to pick ourselfes back up.
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

I think a part of my faith in God was rekindled yesterday. My choice is that I'm not devoting myself to any religion. It dosen't matter what faith you have -it's that you HAVE faith is the important thing. Christians need to learn that. In fact, the only thing wrong with Christianity is the Christians. They're so overbearing and self-important. There's been a ridiculous amount of blood shed from those morons...
Most of the things I learned last night were things I had known on some level before, I just look at them in a different way now.
The past couple of months haven't been so great. I guess the past few years haven't been so great. Well, with the exception of Shandi. The time we had was... really special to me. Mason counts for a lot too. You can't find a more honorable, good person. Things didn't start off wonderful for him. I'm glad he has the life he does now. He has so many people who love him. And especially the love of a great girl like Cassie -I can think of no one else who deserves it more. My father keeps slipping further into depression because we're out of money. The effect isn't exactly great for the rest of the family. I think maybe I'm supposed to be put through all of this to shape who I need to become. There are no coinicidences. Nothing is random.

Date:	2006-02-09 13:37
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

Today was fairly good... for me anyway. The bandies are having a lot of drama. Sadie and Eric broke up -three years, weird. Brett, Carrie and Brien have a nice little love triangle, so that's sweet. Everything's kind of sucking for everyone (me included).
It's difficult to forget about people you've cared so much for in the past. The one person I cared for above all others is gone. It dosen't feel great. Can't beat myself up over it's not my fault. I feel kind of empty. Don't know exactly what to do about that. I wish I knew how things will turn out.
I hope things will turn out ok at the basketball game tommorrow. I hope Brien comes out of it ok. It would be bad enough if he got hurt... but Mason. Good things would not happen. And then there's the other side to consider: Drew and Brett. Drew, what the hell are you thinking? Great. Now I have to use my friday evening looking out for a guy I barely know. Maybe I'm just gripy because the guy tried to kiss me...

Date:	2006-02-08 14:19
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Moonage Daydream

Everythings such a blur. I promised myself that I'd make High school better than middle school. I guess it is better, but in a strange way. In middle school everything sucked in my quiet solitary life. In high school everything sucks in my loud and social life. No, that's an overstatement -not everything. There's Drew, Mason and Cassie. Elizebeth too I guess, I need to call her. Damn, forgot about my unofficial big brother Jeremy and my main squeeze Jordan. It's good to have them around.

Date:	2006-02-01 10:07
Subject:	crying emo tears (but not really)
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	Now I have Origin stuck in my head...

Life's going good today. I think I'm going to try advanced drama next year even though Curtis's posse thing consists of the most obnoxious people I can think of. I'm in one of those rare social "I DON'T hate everything" moods today. I'll have Mason over in a couple of days, maybe chill with Elizibeth. Even though, underneath it all, there are still problems with everything, I can manage.
I'm gonna get Cassie something really good for her birthday. I already sang to her yesterday as present part one. I decided she needed a love song for her and Mason. Mason wasen't there so I just held up a picture of them together that was attached to her purse. She coulden't stop laughing for some reason, wonder why... Hedwig's The Origin of Love: good song.

Hardley anyone seems to do this anymore. I feel so old school now that everyone else's moved on to myspace. I hope that someday I'm responsible for the fall of Christianity. It has to die and I have to debunk it. It's that simple...

Date:	2005-06-13 02:06
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted
Music:	hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

OW. HEADACHE. my weekend was fun. i wish i had actually done something though. that would have been nice. anyway, school's almost out. SWEET. shandi hung out on friday and watched The Life Aquatic, then Dumb And Dumber. promptly after, we ate taco-bell. forgotten how GOOD taco bell is. i can't even imagine taco TIME. taste's like yum.

i had nightmares all weekend afterward. i'm pretty sure a gentleman with a chainsaw killed me in one of them. so that was fun. i don't think you even want me to describe the other one's. i've had some of the weirdest nightmares before. a couple were black and white, anouther was completely animated...

Date:	2005-06-11 02:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	bad days

life is sweet. the freedom of expression thing was cool last night. WAY funnier than i thought it would be. it's friday and that's sweet too. don't know what i'm gonna do when i get home today. i'm kind of sick of writing so bye.

Date:	2005-06-07 13:49
Subject:	i'll fight the shark but i'll let it live.
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	california dreaming

BATMAN BEGINS COMES OUT IN EIGHT DAYS!!!!! HELL YEAH. i've been waiting for like a year for it, christ.

anyway, things are sweet. they could be sweeter though. i'm a little dissapointed from yesterday. nothing new, i'm used to it. wish it didn't have to be that way, but i have to learn eventually that love is something for everyone else, never me. hell, i can't even have fake love. it's just not possible, and i still never learn. every damn time i get my heart broken and i get anouther scar to add to the rest of them.

today was the best day i've had in a long time. school's almost out and that's sweet. i just realized that the word "sweet" probably comes up at least one time in EVERY e-mail and journal entry i write, so i should cut down.
i drew a picture of an oompa loompa for shandi today because i was bored. i like oompa loompa's, they're small and toy-like. that's all i really have to write about right now so bye...

Date:	2005-06-01 13:28
Subject:	don't be nice to him... he's my nemesis.
Security:	Public
Mood:	groggy
Music:	rebel rebel

HA HA HA, my sister works at jerry's. i just remembered. that really brightens my day up. anyway, nothing that interesting is going on. i keep pressing buttons on shandi's keyboard. she's not amused. anyway, life is sweet. haven't updated in myspace for a long time now. i should do that..

Date:	2005-05-27 14:01
Subject:	leg...
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	when doves cry

stpid computr lab, uh, people. there all like, "is it school related?", and i'm like, "fuck off you!"
anyway, i was all depressed yesterday but i'm better now. things are sweet. i'm in the lab with gatspy and jeremy. jeremy and i are raising hell for many. don't know what to write now, so bye.

Date:	2005-05-19 13:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	anything bowie.

not everythings sweet right now, but it's close enough. shandi's not here today and i'm bored out of my goddamn mind.
girls and the o.c... why the o.c? there's no other show i've expressed more hatred for. no..wait, there is american idol. anyway, i'm just hang'in out here in the computer lab on my free period. it's been a shit load of nickels since i've updated hasen't it?ok, i'm gonna go since i don't want to deal with the lab nazi's right now. "tell me that's not a lve journal, oh, well get off...", cock.

some stupid asshole just forced me and shandi to stop e-mailing and whatnot so we switched computer labs. i was right in the middle of updating too. cock.now i have to start over. i'm at the shitty one right now and the screen's all funky and gross.

anyway, before i was interupted i was writing about how i finished The Amityville Horror the book last night. i was in the middle of the scariest part (the end) and something fell off the shelves in my room. scared the living SHIT out of me. it take's a lot to scare me, so that makes it my new favorite book.

Date:	2005-05-09 13:45
Subject:	life is SHIT
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	something depressing

Every day i keep waking up. if there is a god, he/she isn't kind enough to just let me die in my sleep. you would think i earned it after all the shit he's put me through. i had everything i could ever want once and he ripped it away just to see the look on my face. He's had his fun, why can't he cut me a break.( i am french. look, i am giving a cigarette to a baby).

Date:	2005-05-04 14:56
Subject:	why must it rain shit on me!
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

i wish things were simple. they're not. i try so hard at everything only to have it spit right back in my goddam face. there's someone i'm crazy about but i can't tell her because i know she dosen't feel that way. (NOT SHANDI). life blows.

Date:	2005-04-29 13:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	geeky
Music:	ghostbuster's theme song

it's pretty sweet. i'm looking for someone desperate enough to go out with me right now. even if i do find someone desperate enough, when i ask if i can squire her about town they'll be like "um, no", and i'll be like "cock".

Date:	2005-04-25 14:19
Subject:	velvet revolver
Security:	Public
Mood:	jealous
Music:	slither

i went to velvet revolver on thursday and it was FUCK'IN AWESOME. i was like five feet away from slash and duff. my sister almost caught a drum stick but someone else got it, and a water bottle one of them threw slipped right through her best friend's hands (literally). the only downer was that goddam Hoobastank opened for them. i guess vr were sitting around one day and they were like "let's get the shittiest band we can to open for us. let's see... creed broke up... and... link'in park's busy... let's go with them."